The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I have aggressive nipples.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
