That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
