you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
