why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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