Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
