there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize