i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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