I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
