Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
