I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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