can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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