The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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