Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
