so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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