New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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