I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
