Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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