I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
