you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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