im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
