i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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