I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
