So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
