my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
