I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
