we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
