just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
