How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
