i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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