I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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