My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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