New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
