I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
