i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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