can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
