At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
