I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Omg I joined a choir last night...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
