Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
