He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
