He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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