he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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