you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
