If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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