can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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