new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
