Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
