They should really pass out barf bags in church
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
