sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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