I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
