Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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