The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
