I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
