I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
