Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
