my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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