In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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