It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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