im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
