So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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